By Peter Heller

One Sunday morning, when I was working in the development office at Columbia University in New York City, I was out for a walk in Central Park with my family. As we passed by the carousel, I saw one of our alumni—a successful, well-known hedge fund manager—sitting on a bench with his wife.

I immediately steered my family up a hill and behind some bushes before he spotted us. Why? I’m still not sure, but my gut said I should avoid being seen, especially on a weekend.

A decade later, I got a do-over. I had left Columbia and was now a fundraising consultant in New York City after founding the Heller Fundraising Group. It was Sunday morning. I was out for a walk. I crossed paths with another major donor who had just given $3 million to Columbia.

This time I wasn’t afraid to say hello, even though I was wearing a t-shirt and he had on jeans with a hole in the knee.

That’s because, by then, I was in on the secret. Major donors are human, too.

Today we work with nonprofits that are aiming to raise millions of dollars through capital campaigns. Our clients are often looking for advice on how to better manage relationships. I’ve seen wealthy donors with unreasonable, if not impossible, requests. And I’ve seen organizations that run their fundraising team ragged trying to keep up.

I call it the royal children problem.

It usually takes two forms. Development staff put their donors on a pedestal and bow down to any request. Or they treat donors with kid gloves, afraid to tell the full truth and risk losing a major gift. 

Both approaches are likely standing in the way of your fundraising success.

Here’s what I suggest instead:

• Be confident. There’s a principle I like to live by: Don’t intimidate people, and don’t let other people intimidate you. 

• Stand tall. If you tie yourself in knots to meet the demands of a donor, there’s no guarantee you’ll yield better results. But when you bend to a donor’s every request, you’re creating a relationship based on an imbalance of power. You can be respectful without bending over backwards. 

• Speak up. Fundraisers are often overly worried about upsetting a donor. Just because something is outside of our comfort zone doesn’t mean it will come across as negative to a donor.  

• Be clear. Remember, being assertive isn’t offensive. When you speak directly about your organization and what you need, it shows you respect a donor’s ability to have an honest conversation about their philanthropy. 

Does the royal children dynamic sound familiar? The Heller Fundraising Group team works closely with clients to understand what motivates their donors and sharpen their message, from a case for support to donor thank you notes. Set up a free strategy session and find out how we can help you boost fundraising.

Peter Heller is the Founder of the Heller Fundraising Group, a New York City-based fundraising consulting firm that works with local, national and international nonprofits on capital campaigns, campaign feasibility studies, major gift programs, and hands-on training.